


A Past That Cannot Die

by notagoddamnbird



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use, and past child abuse, but no rape in fic, vague mentions of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 14:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17204849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notagoddamnbird/pseuds/notagoddamnbird
Summary: Sometimes Dennis would snap out of it after a few minutes and join in on whatever stupid shit Charlie and Mac were up to; sometimes he’d be out of it all through lunch; sometimes he wouldn’t get in one of those weird moods for months at a time, and sometimes it happened almost every day for weeks on end.At first, Mac couldn’t make any sense of the pattern. It seemed to happen completely at random; one minute Dennis was fine, a shit eating grin on his face as he told the gang one of his many stories about his adventures with the other cool kids, and the next, he was gone.All quiet and hollow.





	A Past That Cannot Die

**Author's Note:**

> Based off a prompt I received on Tumblr: Macdennis + dissociation
> 
> This was supposed to be a short drabble but I got carried away. This is also my first Always Sunny fic I've posted on here, so I appreciate any constructive criticism! 
> 
> Title From "Virgin Veins" by Coma Cinema

Mac first noticed it happening in high school. He’d only known Dennis for a few months at the time, but even he could tell that something was off. For one thing, Dennis never wanted to get high with them when he’d get into one of those weird moods. That was the first indicator that something was wrong; getting high together was kind of the whole reason they’d started hanging out in the first place.

“Your loss dude! More for us!” Charlie snatched the joint from Mac’s fingers and inhaled so deep he immediately started choking. Mac snorted with laughter and hit his back hard to make him stop.

Dennis didn’t react. He didn’t move. He just sat there quietly and stared at nothing for a long time, while absentmindedly picking at the grass on the lawn.

Mac knew something was up, but he didn’t know what, and they were really more like acquaintances than actual friends at that point. He didn’t think it was his place to pry into the guy’s private life, so he just shrugged it off whenever it happened and hoped it was nothing major.

Sometimes Dennis would snap out of it after a few minutes and join in on whatever stupid shit Charlie and Mac were up to; sometimes he’d be out of it all through lunch; sometimes he wouldn’t get in one of those weird moods for months at a time, and sometimes it happened almost every day for weeks on end.

At first, Mac couldn’t make any sense of the pattern. It seemed to happen completely at random; one minute Dennis was fine, a shit eating grin on his face as he told the gang one of his many stories about his adventures with the other cool kids, and the next, he was gone. All quiet and hollow.

By Junior year the episodes were more frequent than they’d ever been before. Mac tried to ask Dennis about it once when they were alone in his room, but Dennis snapped and launched into a rage that scared the crap out of Mac — he threw a goddamn lamp at his head that Mac just barely managed to dodge. Mac tried to calm him down, but nothing seemed to work, and in the end, Dennis kicked him out of his house. 

He slammed the door in Mac’s face all while screaming about never wanting to see him again.

They didn’t talk at all for nearly a month. It was miserable. 

Mac hadn’t realized until then how much time he actually spent with Dennis, so much that his absence seemed to leave a gaping hole inside of him. Mac was relieved when Dennis finally decided to start hanging out with him and Charlie again during lunch. He was too nervous to ever mention the incident after that. Mac didn’t want to risk losing his best friend again, and from then on he knew that the topic was strictly off limits.

Over a year later, it finally clicked.

Dennis told him everything during Dooley’s after prom pool party. Granted, he was completely wasted on cheap tequila in a sad attempt to forget about Tim Murphy sleeping with his prom date — a little white lie Mac told him, mostly because he was kinda jealous that Dennis had been spending so much time with Tim lately.

Not even an hour into the party and Mac was already patting Dennis’ back while he upchucked at least half a gallon of bottom shelf Tequila into a toilet.

“I think you really overdid it tonight, dude…” Mac muttered, while Dennis hugged the toilet and cried. His mascara started to stain his cheeks.

Mac had never seen Dennis cry before — well, no that was a lie, he’d seen him cry a bunch, but not like this, this was different. He wasn’t watching Dennis cry, he was watching him sob, uncontrollably, and it felt incredibly wrong.

“Dude it’s gonna be okay,” Mac tried to hand Dennis a piece of toilet paper to use as tissue, “Tim Murphy’s a dick and that chick was gross, anyways, you can do way better.”

That didn’t seem to help at all, Dennis kept weeping like a baby and drunkenly rambling nonsense and Mac had no clue what to do to make him stop.

“I-I don’t want t-to… I don’t— I.. please.” He slurred in between sobs.

“What are you talking about?”

“D-don’t make me!” He shrieked and pushed Mac away when he tried to lay a hand on his shoulder, “Don’t touch me! Get away!”

More than anything else, Dennis resembled a wild animal that’d been caged against its will. Mac backed away, he hadn’t been this scared of Dennis since the fight they had Junior year, but this time he was more scared for Dennis than he was for himself.

Dennis collapsed on the cool tile floor from sheer exhaustion. He wasn’t crying anymore, but it wasn’t much better now. He was gone again. They may have been locked in Dooley’s bathroom in the middle of a party; music blaring just outside the door, but Dennis was miles away.

He was staring right through Mac like he wasn’t even there. Mac just laid next to him on the bathroom floor, a few feet apart, just in case Dennis still wanted his personal space.

“I don’t want to do it anymore…” Dennis said, so softly, Mac could barely hear him over the muffled house music.

“Dennis…”

Mac wasn’t entirely sure Dennis was even talking to him, he looked like he was in a trance.

“Dennis..” Mac repeated, low and gentle. Dennis finally met his eyes, Mac hoped that meant he was starting to snap out of it. “Is this okay?” Mac asked, sitting up and opening his arms, inviting Dennis in for a hug.

Dennis crawled into Mac’s embrace and squeezed him so tight Mac felt like he was gonna pass out. He started crying again, but Mac didn’t mind it this time, he’d rather Dennis cry and be present right here with him, than be somewhere a million miles away, alone and empty.

In between sobs, Dennis told him everything and the pattern finally made some sense. The episodes almost always happened right after 3rd period; when Mac and Charlie had remedial math and Dennis had a free period, which he usually spent volunteering in the library.

Half an hour later, Dennis finally passed out and Mac dragged him home sometime around three in the morning. They never talked about what happened at Dooley’s party after that night, even though Mac knew they both remembered. Mac could tell by the way Dennis reacted to the look of concern Mac gave him whenever he so much as mentioned the school library. Mac didn’t know why Dennis kept going back, all he knew was that he couldn’t stop him from going or the episodes from coming.

They graduated a month later and Mac hoped to god that things would get better after that. For the most part, he was right. It did get better, slowly at first, but over the years Dennis had fewer and fewer episodes, and Mac had learned how to best help him cope with the occasional relapse.

Dennis graduated. They moved in together. They bought a bar with their best friends. And somewhere along the way, Mac fell in love with Dennis. They fucked for the first time on Y2K; mostly because they were both really really drunk and sick of being holed up inside a cramped bunker with a paranoid Dee, and Charlie — who was too busy stuffing his face with pickled eggs to even notice them sneaking off to the back office together — but also kind of because they were both pretty sure the world was about to be overrun by the machines or whatever and this would be their last chance. It wasn’t exactly a romantic affair, but Mac wouldn’t change a single detail about that night. 

To him, it was perfect. He didn’t know if Dennis felt the same way, but he still remembered the way he looked at him when he came — like nothing else in the world mattered; like Mac was the only person he wanted to be with when the world ended. 

And then the robopocalypse didn’t happen and their drunken hookup was added to the long list of things they didn’t talk about.

But that was fine. Life went on. The bar never made much money, but they always had just enough to get by; Dennis was saving up for med school; Mac was just happy he got to spend every day hanging out with his two favorite people — and Dee was there too. Mac felt good about whatever the future had in store for them.

And then it all got so much worse.

The episodes started happening again a little over a year after Dennis’ dad had forced his way into their lives and their bar.

Dennis would stop speaking in the middle of sentences to stare out into nothing, sometimes for just a few minutes before coming back down to earth, and other times he’d be in the middle of bartending when it’d happen — he wouldn’t stop making drinks, or chatting up customers, but Mac could always tell that something was off about him. Even if he looked just fine to everyone else, to Mac, Dennis looked like he was on autopilot; like he’d been through the motions so many times his body just took over, but his mind was somewhere else, somewhere far far away. He wasn’t sure if the rest of the gang really noticed or cared whenever it happened, but Mac could always tell by the look in his eyes whenever Dennis happened to catch his gaze — quiet and hollow.

Dennis had a particularly bad relapse just a few weeks later. 

Mac had woken up in the middle of the night to pee and nearly had a heart attack when he noticed there was someone in the living room. It took him a minute for his half-asleep brain to register that it wasn’t a home intruder trying to murder him, but just Dennis, sitting on the couch, watching a rerun of some 80s sitcom.

“Jesus fucking Christ, dude!” Mac said, shuffling towards him, “You scared the crap out of me..”

Mac noticed then that while the tv was on and Dennis was staring right at it, he wasn’t watching it. He was gone.

“Dennis?” Mac said quietly, but there was no response. He wondered how long Dennis had been out here, just sitting and staring.

Mac knew what to do when he got like this. He’d learned through trial and error what worked to pull Dennis out of this state and what didn’t.

The first thing he did was turn the tv off. He sat next to Dennis then, close, but just far away enough that no physical contact was being made. Dennis didn’t even seem to notice that the tv wasn’t on anymore, nor did he register that Mac was in the same room as him. It’d been a long time since he’d had an episode this bad, where he didn’t even acknowledge Mac’s presence.

“Dennis… Den…” Mac spoke, his voice soft and low, “Are you with me?”

No response. Dennis may have been sitting right there with him, but at the same time, he wasn’t there. Not really. Mac never knew exactly where Dennis went when he got bad, but that didn’t matter. It was his job to help him find his way back.

“Dennis.. I think you’re having an episode right now.” Mac continued, very slow and gentle, “I know you’re scared, but I want you to know that it’s gonna be okay. You’re okay. You’re not a little kid anymore. You never have to go back to that place again.

“Your name is Dennis Reynolds. You’re thirty-one years old. You’re sitting on our living room couch in our apartment in South Philly. We have a bunch of really tacky knickknacks everywhere.. a deflated basketball, an old bike I keep telling you to throw out cause we never use it anymore, a crappy modern art painting your mom gave you for your 26th birthday, your stereo, and your Bryan Adams mixtapes.” Mac couldn’t help but smile slightly to himself as he listed all the little bits and pieces that made up their lives together. “This is our home. You’re home now and you’re safe here.”

Mac noticed a tension begin to leave Dennis’ body as he spoke. It was a good sign. He kept going.

“Okay, Den. I’m gonna hold my hand out now. If it’s cool with you, I want you to take it.”

Dennis acknowledged his presence for the first time that night. He blinked and looked down at Mac’s outstretched hand. Slowly he took it in his own and gave it an experimental squeeze like he wasn’t sure if it was real. After a while, he started absentmindedly playing with Mac’s fingers and rubbing circles into his palm. It was another good sign. Physical contact usually helped ground Dennis back into reality, but it was important Mac started slow, and that he always asked first. If he didn’t it would only get worse.

Mac had learned that lesson the hard way when he tried to comfort Dennis during a particularly bad episode he had once in college and he actually scratched his arm when he tried to touch him without asking.

“Good… that’s really good.” Mac scooted in a little closer. “Are you with me, Den?”

He nodded slowly and Mac let out a sigh of relief.

“I’m gonna put my arms around you now, alright?”

Dennis dropped Mac’s hand and stared right at him, his eyes big and blue and empty. He didn’t say a word, but he scooted in closer so their thighs touched and Mac knew it was safe to proceed. He opened his arms and held Dennis. He waited for the remainder of the tension in his body to ease before pressing their bodies closer together. Dennis didn’t hesitate after that, he leaned into the embrace and squeezed Mac so hard it hurt. He wanted to pull away, but he didn’t, he let Dennis hold him as tight as he wanted.

Mac ran his fingers through Dennis’ messy brown curls and he went on listing all their possessions — the DVD’s in their collection, the groceries in the pantry, their sports memorabilia, even the color of the wallpaper — anything that would help Dennis stay in the here and now.

“Are you with me, Den?” He repeated.

Everything had changed; high school was like a fuzzy far off memory, and yet, he still felt like that same scared teenager holding onto his best friend in a bathroom.

“Yeah. I’m with you.”

Dennis started to cry, just like he did that night at the party, and Mac wondered if things would ever really get better.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm @notagoddamnbird on tumblr and twitter! come talk to me!


End file.
